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In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
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day 1
rise at 5 a.m. worship. talk with t, bless her for her tests today.
made a pot of herbal tea. want to keep open about what to drink; when, if necessary, to end the fast early. pray for health and stamina.
so grateful for the opportunity to offer this gift to my Beloved.
i am poor an needy yet You, O Lord, have chosen to settle Your honorable Name on me... and i desire to do Your will.
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Then He said to them, "Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men."
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day 2
i feel excitement. a delightful sense of apprehension. i pray almost expecting You to appear beside me. i worship sensing the nearness of the Holy Spirit. You have made me hungry; thirsty for You. You have ruined me for the ordinary.
i asked some friends to pray for a "cave" for me; a place to go and pray that is quiet and secluded because i sense the importance of this fast in my life and the lives of those for whom i am praying. but instead of a cave, You provided a palatial, quiet, secluded home in the mountains. how like You to be so generous.
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The Lord is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation; He is my God, and I will praise Him; my father's God, and I will exalt Him.
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day 6
today i went to the mountain palace to talk to the couple who own this lovely home.
i find myself telling them all about myself and my life. unlike me. i don't think i hae ever told the whole story at one time to anyone. i am very surprised at myself; and at You. because i know it would never have occurred to me to do this on my own. indeed my almost compulsive need for privacy always stops me. i find as i tell it, that they are able to receive it and i am able to relax -- they are easy to love. they accept me and all my barnacles.
but i feel the enemy's storm a-brewin'.
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For I am the Lord who brings you up out of the land of Egypt, to be your God. You shall therefore be holy, for I am holy.
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day 10
i have fasted so many times over all the years i've belonged to You. but i sense that all the other times were mere preparation for this fast. i have a sense of certainty that this is a "break-through" fast... on many levels. this is sobering. because the enemy will come against me hard to stop a break-through fast. and already i can smell his fetid breath on the back of my neck.
this love you are teaching me is unlike anything i have ever imagined. nothing has prepared me for it... for You... for Your majesty.
i read hebrews 3, and over and over i perceive You telling me, "hold on" "hold on to courage..." "...hold firmly till the end..."
- psalm 33:18
the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love.
- hebrews 6:10
God is not unjust; He will not forget your work and the love you have shown Him as you have helped His people and continue to help them.
- hebrews 6:12b
...through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.
i am no longer too terribly burned by Your silence. i understand it has a holy purpose, this dark night of the soul. so i will just continue doing the last thing You told me to do: fast and pray, faith and patience -- i know i will receive what has been promised. i love You, Most Beautiful, Most Beloved, Most Wonderful. i love You.
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Give, and it will be given to you:good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.
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day 11
a very unusual thing happened today. i received a call with an extraordinary offer. i am stunned and amazed. where did this come from? i asked a few people to pray about it with me.
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Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
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day 12
i am amazed at the tactics of the enemy. so many ways he is coming against me; so many ways he is trying to convince me to break this fast. but since i am fasting at Your request and not my own desire or vanity, i cannot break the fast.
i received a condemning admonition from a new acquaintance, trusted only because of his position. i am shocked and hurt at his words. ok, my vanity is pricked, i am offended at his presumption. my initial reaction is anger. so i called two close advisor-friends, whose walk with You i trust. of course they point out my inappropriate anger and insist i forgive immediately. but i don't want to forgive immediately. i want to wallow in my anger.
later, one of them calls back. You have spoken from her prayer. she gives me luke 5:5.
"simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. but because You say so, i will let down the nets."
she then tells me what You said to her about this situation. i am humbled, comforted, and warned of new and unexpected enemy tactics. i will not give up... faith and patience. i know You love me.
at night, i read a new book my sister purchased for a friend about miracles. i am more than ever convinced of Your love and tender care for Your children. i feel You pressing into my heart, as if to drive home the way You protect, watch over and take care of Your children.
forgive this stubborn woman.
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And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
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day 13
it is stunningly clear to me that there is nothing i would withhold from You and nothing that means more to me than You. i know that i know that i know -- major, unspeakable, shockingtly spectacular break-through is coming because of this fast.
and our love relationship will transform -- a thing of exquisite beauty & loveliness... after all, You said i was going to be deliriously happy!!
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And the Angel of the Lord appeared to him, and said to him, "The Lord is with you, you mighty man of valor!"
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day 14
i am stunned. shocked. walking around dazed.
the offer from a few days ago was reaffirmed and made more lucrative. tonight i went to hear a popular evangelist. t and her boyfriend went with me. i read a book on miracles and it encouraged me so much because Your sovereignty was so very obvious and evident. You really love us. much more than we can ever understand or comprehend.
teach me how i can have more of You and Your love in my life.
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Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place.
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day 15
more trouble from the enemy.
i take off for the mountains to be apart and pray. i really miss _____. please, Father, send this miracle soon.
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For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
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day 16
i read a man named dave and wept. i saw myself and _____. some things dave pelzer said, _____ has also said. i am so grieved over all the lost years.
but i am confident You will restore the years the locusts have eaten. Your Word says so.
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Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord...
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day 17
another one of Your intercessors told me today that as she prayed for me, You gave her mark 2:19-22. said You told her i was pouring new wine into new wineskins... new people (from old) into new relationships (from old)?
i am continually amazed at the extraordinary influence and power of Your holy Word in the lives of Your children.
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But that no one is justified by the law in the sight of God is evident, for "the just shall live by faith."
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day 18
more trouble from the enemy.
prayer is hard today. last night i dreamed about food. i never dream about food. in fact, i dreamed i ate and woke not sure if i had actually eaten and broken the fast. this is too weird.
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The Lord thunered from heaven, and the Most High uttered His voice.
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day 19
i cooked a large dinner for my sister's kids and a close friend came for dinner. how refreshing close friends are. (i left the room while they ate...;-)
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Fear not, be glad and rejoice, for the Lord has done marvelous things!
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day 20
i am now half-way through my fast. i went to a church this morning that i do not think i can return to.
so sad. so unhappy. i miss Your voice in my soul. i want to give up. went to s's house and cried and prayed -- calling out to You. why are You so silent? don't You know how much i miss You?
s and i went to a very large church for their evening worship. i was bored. but at the end, the leader called all men forward and he prayed over them to break the bondages men live under. the bondages of lust, indifference, passivity, etc. i was impressed.
i was impressed to speechlessness when he then prayed for the women... mothers, wives, women who have stood in the gap for men, remained faithful, prayed and prayed, cried, broken-hearted tears, prayed and prayed some more... for men.
You are truly and awesome God.
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In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise...
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day 21
received a call concerning the offer made a week ago. the whole thing was called off. so, the enemy strikes again! it was a real slap in the face by our enemy. but, i will have the last laugh on this one! this misadventure also showed me who listens to You.
i am depressed about this turn of events. not that i wanted it so much, but it gave me a new hope for personal, self... something.
so, tonight, after a meeting, i fell apart in depression over it all... a bit of besotted self-pity. but after all, i trust You. deep inside my spirit and soul, You have grown my faith. i trust You, though there is no "visible means of support" for such.
i love You. have Your way with me--every breath that i take, asleep or awake--my life is Yours; in Your hands.
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...and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.
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day 22
hungry again today. i hate that! drink more water... more herbal tea. only 18 more days until i can start the process of coming off this fast... a slow process back to normal eating.
this is such a long, hard fast. i hope it is truly a beautiful, fragrant sacrifice to You.
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Blessed is the one who endures temptation; for when she has been approved, she will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.
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day 23
a friend took me out for tea to a charming gourmet supermarket. then we walked along the streets of the quaint township, and it reminded me of places in maryland, where i no longer live. there is a distinct lack of genteel charm in california.
when he left, i reviewed the conversation, and my soul remembered all too well its loneliness. this life is difficult.
day 24
my heart's desire is to have the mind and heart of Christ; to love as He loved, to forgive as He forgave.
This fast continued for 16 more days, a full 40day fast. We pick up the diary again, several years and several 40day fasts later, on day 25:
day 25
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